Do Not Recessitate

long time no see!

Sat, 22 Jan 2005 18:21:05 GMT

wow. its been quite a while since my last entry. hmm. me and Zack are still goingout. we're having a fight right at the moment about my cutting. he is such a hypocrate. he can fucking smoke pot because it makes him feel better, yet i cant cut because it makes him feel bad. what a fucking hypocrate! god. but i think its all better maybe. he said if i keep doing it he would break up with me. thats gay because he loves me. oh ya. i love him by the way.....a lot! ya but uhm. thats about the extent of anything exciting happening. Except for Debder sticking hiss tounge down my througt at dana and ashley's party. then his girlfriend having pther people come talk to me then me finally going up to her and telling her what happened. but i really dont give a shit anymore. i think im gona spend the night at Shling's tonight and make her and dana breakfast in the morning. so ya im not really exciting so im gona go. bye!

Fri, 31 Dec 2004 21:35:49 GMT

omfg the cheerleading bus left without me, Kaley, Britt, and Kaitlyn so my parents had to drive us 2 1/2 hours to Danville so we could cheer for like and hour and win the game by a lot. I saw this kid that fucking looked so much like Quinn from The Used that i wanted to like run up and give him a hug but i didnt, and he was wearing a FallOut Boy t-shirt. I was like omg i am in love with this kid. ya so yesterday was fun. Zack threw rocks at my window last night and i woke up just in time to see him running to his car cause he said he thought he heard my parents window opening. ya Wednesday nigth Zack came over and whipped my ass at pool. i guess im bad at it. i still remember beating Pete though................ anyways. Ya he beat me and then we watched Butterfly Effect. I love that movie.
So today is New Years Eve and i think im hanging out with Shling and Dana. Maybe see Zack or something i dunno yet. i just wanna go somewhere cause last year i sat alone at my house and even missed New Years cause i was watching a movie. it was pretty depressing but this year will be better!
ya i dont know what else to put so bye!

Oh i wonder wonder oh i do i do
whats in a wonder ball
who knows what surprises a wonderball can hide
yummy Nestle chocolate with candy shapes inside
oh i wonder wonder oh i do i do
whats in a wonder ball

Wed, 22 Dec 2004 05:52:48 GMT

i think god hates me lol.
good thing i take my life as a joke or else i would have big troubles.
so we had a game tonight at home so i told pete to go cause i needed to give him his christmas gift. so at the second game i hear brittany like"omg pete's here". so i whip my head around and what do you think i saw. Pete and right behind him was Zack.that made me mad cause i wanted to see Pete. but turns out it was a good thing Zack came. So Dan A. tells me that Pete made out with Angie at Dana Ks party which really pisses me off cause he said we "still had a chance". i was an idiot to think that Pete was different and that he actually liked me. but i dont even know anymore. my life is falling apart.
Zack told me what Mike and Metro and Josh are getting me for christmas. Razorblade earrings, bandaids, and wrist band, and a bunch of excuses like "the cat scratched me". hows that for supportive huh?assholes. but i cant get mad yet cause they would beat Zack to a pulp if they knew he told me. he was doing the considerate thing and telling me so i didnt get too upset.
I miss Zack, i admit it, i really do. Mostly i miss how he held me.I fit so well in his arms and it was just so comfortable i really miss it. theres just something so seductive about him. i guess i would only be letting 3 people down if i went back out with him. Pete, Biz, and Megan. i guess i would kind of be letting myself down because i told myself i wouldnt do it again but i dont know. im talking to Dan and hes telling me not to go back out with im. i think there might be a hint of jealousy behind it but i think hes just trying to make up for being an ass. i dont know. i really do miss him though. god i am so confused i have like a major headache it is not even funny.all this thinking is making my brain hurt. and my butt hurts from sitting in this hard chair so long!

"maybe when you find out that im dead you'll realize what you did to me"

its time to die, you worth more dead

Sat, 18 Dec 2004 22:25:03 GMT

i hate you all. you always leave me out and im so tired of it. i can do whatever i want without you. ya know what ? im gonna go out with Zack just to piss you all off cause you deserve it for never being there for me. i know how to piss each and everyone of you off and guess what? im gonna.
Dana, Ashley, Pete, Mike, Zack. Thanx for nothing.

into the river below, im running frome the inferno

Sun, 12 Dec 2004 23:30:14 GMT

i cant even believe what a moron Zack is. he got caught by the cops with cigarettes and his dad found him with some other illegal stuff so now hes grounded for a while. dumbass. he called me at 3 in the morning and was like "i just got home from Dana Karstensen's house(she had a party) and i was bored before Pete was going to pick me up so i came and threw rocks at your window but you didnt come to the window". he has no right to throw rocks at my window. i told him to stop and he said he was going to. what kind of bullshit is that. dana went to his house yesterday with a bunch of people abd said he had a "wall of stephanie" Like there were poems and songs and my picture or some shit like that. God he seriously is actually starting to scare me, like how he wont just stop it. but im not going to digress anymore cause im doing this new strategy where i dont tell anyone whats wrong with me because like if i tell dana something about zack it always gets beck to him, or pete or whoever i tell or anything it always ends up bad so im going to try this for a while. see how it goes ya know?
i g2g cause im hungry. buh bye

Fri, 10 Dec 2004 20:53:35 GMT

Sometimes i think Zack is doing this on purpose just for something to do. On Monday after my soccer game he said we couldnt talk anymore because it hurt him too much because he still loved me (which i think is bullshit still). The i get home and get in the shower and when igot out there was a message from Zack, actually a song he had written. So i went to sleep and when i woke up there were 5 messages from him all being like "I Love You", "I wont let you go without a fight", "I cant bleed without you", "I need you". Things like that. He doesnt understand that i dont want someone to love me. Love leads to betrayal and i dont want to hurt him anymore than i already have but no hes too selfish to understand that. He even said he ws trying to guilt me to going back out with him.
So Yesterday he calls and asks if i wanted to hang out. I was actually going to have Pete over but i hadnt been able to get a hold of him so i was like kind of hesitant but i said ok because its not like we were going to be alone so i didnt think he would bring anything up. He picked me up and i got in his van and it was me, Zack Debertolo, Mike, Zack, and their friend Ron. So then we wetn to pick up Keith and went to freakin Brandi Larson's house. Brandi Larson, come on now wtf was i going to do there? So me, Zack, and Zack went to McDonalds and zack got food and we were sitting outside and Zacks like get the fuck out and then proceded to tell me he only brought me out here to screw me over. Good thing he was joking right? i would have kicked his ass so bad. So we went back to Brandi's to pick them all up and we just sat in the car(me, zack, and zack) Zack would not leave me alone, saying he neede me and Zack D just keeps getting this look like what the hell is he doing. I mean Zack was on his knees saying he could live without me and i just kept looking and Zack D like omg. i saw his arms, obviously he could bleed without me cause he sure did quite a number on his arms. i must admit that did make me feel bad but i never wanted any of this to happen. So Keith and everyone comes out and we went to the girls b-ball game. Zack was getting pissed cause i sat by AJ and Ben and Ryan when we got there, so he goes and talks to Dana Karstensen. wtf? i didnt give a shit at that point i was just so fed up with him changing his damned mind so fucking mush. i told him to take me home so just me and him went and he lift his brother and everyone else he had given a ride at the school to wait for him to get back. On the way home i told him to stop it and he said thats what he had planned on doing. he looked pissed so i thought he was serious and i wasent going to press the matter. Well i get to school(got out at 12:30!!!!!!) and Ashley was like "Zack called me at 4 in the morning and told me to convince you to go back out with him". Dana also told me that was her job too. Why the hell wont he stop.
1- i am protecting both of out intrests here by not letting either of us get hurt again
2- i dont want love, i just want someone to talk to and just like hang onto
3-all we did when we went out was fool around, he couldnt even answer any of the ?s that i asked him. he didnt evn know that i have a scar on my stomach. come on now i have to that story millions of time s and to him a lot too.
4-i still like Pete but i screwed myself over on that( i really do miss him)
ya i dont know im just so tired of it. i need to find a different way to deal with stress than cutting cause people see every part of my bosy, like changing for cheerleading and everything so its just getting so fucked up. Biz is going to find out soon, i know she is. The she will tell on me cause she is such the mother type, but i dont want her to. Schiif made some comment about cutting the other day and then looked right at me, im not sure but i think dana might have slipped or something case like she even said it she was like , "ya you know people that cut cause they always wear long sleeves" or something like that and then looked at me and was just like "Stephanie......". that really pissed em off. she has no fucking right. just couse shes all religious and shit doesnt mean she can judge other people. grr. so ya. i g2g get ready for yet another game.
oh i have to cheer on the 28th. the day me and dana were going to go to Kankakee and see Waterstreet and Feature Presentation. isnt that just great. i can stand cheerleading taking over my life only so mucha at a time.

Tue, 07 Dec 2004 00:10:54 GMT

wow it has been about a week i guess. im am totally psyched cause of the concert it isnot even funny. Bert freakin McCraken caught the glove that dana threw onstage with her cell phone number on it and he read it to the entire crowd and dana has been getting like 100 calls a night. lucky dana. it is just so awesome that that happened and just so lucky that Pete threw the glove just right for Bert to get it. The Used rocked so hard i thought i was going to have a heart attack when they were playing. oh greatness. My Chemical Romance was pretty good too. They didnt play Dana's favorite but they did play "You know what they do to guys like us in prison" so that was good. Me, Dana, and Keaton went up to the balcony for Taking Back Sunday while Pete went in to crowd cause Dana was like really tired. It was really fun. then after the concert i didnt want to go home and i could go to danas so i called ashley and she said i could spend the night so i go toashleys house and zack called and we really had nothing to do so we snuck out of ashleys house and josh picked us up at the end of her driveway cause we didnt want his car to set off the motion lights(they did anyways). So the people at Zacks were: Me, Ashley, Josh, Pete, Mike(Zack's lder bro), Keith, and Keaton. I kept waking people up cause i wasent tired. Mike and Keith were like molesting me lol. it was funny cause i dont see Keith as like hitting on girls, but it was comfortable when he had his arms around me. lol ive always thought Keith was cool. Zack kept wanting to hold me. i let him once but he needs to just chill out and we need to be friends. It was funy, the only person that i would have slep in their arms all night was the one that actually slept with me the least amout of time cause i didnt want to ruin the whole friends thing. im proud of myself,i showed self control.
Saturday it was freakin awesome. i had a game against Minooka and there was this asshole fan that kept being just a real jerk and really disrespectful. to make a long story short, they lost, we won, and he tried to pick a fight with one of the mom's in the parking lot. that was pretty much my weekend. it was really great.i think im starting to feel better about everything. i dint cut at all! Im happy

Sun, 28 Nov 2004 00:33:30 GMT

ive been crying for the last half hour and i dont know why. i was supposed to do something tonight but it looks likew its just me on my own tonight and i really shouldnt be by myself tonight but noone fucking cares so i dont give a shit what i do tonight. i called zack and his dad asked if i was the girl that zack had in his room the night that they left. i wasent. he was fucking bullshtting me about all the i miss you crap. fuck this,. fuck it all. i cant stop crying god i have nt cried like this sice i was like a little kid. i dont kbnow what do to. noone cares and even when they say they do i know theyre just bullshitting me. did i do something to someone and im being punished for it? it seems like everytime something goes right i fuck it up. everything is fucked up. i gotta go find something to do to keep me preoccupied before i get to upset/depressed.

im bound to get caught soon.

Tue, 23 Nov 2004 01:03:54 GMT

ive been cutting more and more often lately and i dont know why, there isnt even a reason. il make something up in my mind so i can just get away from everything. i did it in a stupid place too. right on my forearm. that was fun trying to figure out how i was going to hide it during cheerleading practice and my soccer game. so i drew over it with pen, holy shit it hurt like hell but i guess it worked. Sometimes i think about going to school and just going up to a teacher and rolling up my sleeves and getting help. i want to stop hurting but i dont want to stop cutting. its kind of like a hobby now. and ya know what really pisses me off about the whole thing. i think my parents would be more dissapointed than worried.
i want a therapist but im afraid to ask my parents. i know they'll be like "why cant you talk to us". i dont fucking want to talk to you. if i did, i wouldnt be asking now would i? idiots. they have no clue, i like it that way. when they piss me off really bad sometimes i think of how they would react if they knew. can you say breakdown? thats not my problem though. they did this to me, well at least part of it anyway. not letting me live and just be free.
Dana told Zack that i want to get back together.i know hes going to act differently now and i dont like that. i dont like him knowing how i feel. Pete and I are ok. i feel so bad for what i put him through. he thinks that i never liked him. i need to get over my fear of showing my emotions or i am going to lose a lot of people. i really did like him and it really hurts that he thinks i couldnt have givena sare less about him. but i guess thats how my life goes. i lose everything. if im not careful i might lose my sanity ya know? i g2g im just tired.

i want to hate you half as much as i hate myself

Fri, 19 Nov 2004 19:26:20 GMT

Zacks talking to me again so thats good but he talks about all the girls hes fooled around with since weve been broken up. ya it pisses me off but i dont want him to get mad at me again. i shouldnt care so much but i do and thats what sucks. hes in Florida for motocross, watching Mike and Metro. hes going to a clan meeting and that scares the crap out of me but hes not like in it, hes just gonna go and make fun i guess.
i have to go now. a bunch of poeple are coming over tonight so hopefully ill stay in a semigood mood.
Pete hates me and i hate that he hates me.He said i should cut myself to pieces and cry myself to sleep. nice guys huh?
theres too much hate in the world..........

My Rights

Wed, 17 Nov 2004 03:55:29 GMT

Bill of Rights for Those Who Self-Harm

Preamble:
An estimated one percent of Americans use physical self-harm as a way of coping with stress; the rate of self-injury in other industrial nations is probably similar. Still, self-injury remains a taboo subject, a behavior that is considered freakish or outlandish and is highly stigmatized by medical professionals and the lay public alike. Self-harm, also called self-injury, self-inflicted violence, or self-mutilation, can be defined as self-inflicted physical harm severe enough to cause tissue damage or leave visible marks that do not fade within a few hours. Acts done for purposes of suicide or for ritual, sexual, or ornamentation purposes are not considered self-injury. This document refers to what is commonly known as moderate or superficial self-injury, particularly repetitive SI; these guidelines do not hold for cases of major self-mutilation (i.e., castration, eye enucleating, or amputation). Because of the stigma and lack of readily available information about self-harm, people who resort to this method of coping often receive treatment from physicians (particularly in emergency rooms) and mental-health professionals that can actually make their lives worse instead of better. Based on hundreds of negative experiences reported by people who self-harm, the following Bill of Rights is an attempt to provide information to medical and mental-health personnel. The goal of this project is to enable them to more clearly understand the emotions that underlie self-injury and to respond to self-injurious behavior in a way that protects the patient as well as the practitioner.

The Bill of Rights:
1. The right to caring, humane medical treatment
Self-injurers should receive the same level and quality of care that a person presenting with an identical but accidental injury would receive. Procedures should be done as gently as they would be for others. If stitches are required, local anesthesia should be used. Treatment of accidental injury and self-inflicted injury should be identical.

2. The right to participate fully in decisions about emergency psychiatric treatment (so long as no one's life is in immediate danger).
When a person presents at the emergency room with a self-inflicted injury, his or her opinion about the need for a psychological assessment should be considered. If the person is not in obvious distress and is not suicidal, he or she should not be subjected to an arduous psych evaluation. Doctors should be trained to assess suicidality/homicidality and should realize that although referral for outpatient follow-up may be advisable, hospitalization for self-injurious behavior alone is rarely warranted.

3. The right to body privacy.
Visual examinations to determine the extent and frequency of self-inflicted injury should be performed only when absolutely necessary and done in a way that maintains the patient's dignity. Many who SI have been abused; the humiliation of a strip-search is likely to increase the amount and intensity of future self-injury while making the person subject to the searches look for better ways to hide the marks.

4. The right to have the feelings behind the SI validated.
Self-injury doesn't occur in a vacuum. The person who self-injures usually does so in response to distressing feelings, and those feelings should be recognized and validated. Although the care provider might not understand why a particular situation is extremely upsetting, she or he can at least understand that it *is* distressing and respect the self-injurer's right to be upset about it.

5. The right to disclose to whom they choose only what they choose.
No care provider should disclose to others that injuries are self-inflicted without obtaining the permission of the person involved. Exceptions can be made in the case of team-based hospital treatment or other medical care providers when the information that the injuries were self-inflicted is essential knowledge for proper medical care. Patients should be notified when others are told about their SI and as always, gossiping about any patient is unprofessional.

6. The right to choose what coping mechanisms they will use.
No person should be forced to choose between self-injury and treatment. Outpatient therapists should never demand that clients sign a no-harm contract; instead, client and provider should develop a plan for dealing with self-injurious impulses and acts during the treatment. No client should feel they must lie about SI or be kicked out of outpatient therapy. Exceptions to this may be made in hospital or ER treatment, when a contract may be required by hospital legal policies.

7. The right to have care providers who are not afraid of SI.
Those who work with clients who self-injure should keep their own fear, revulsion, anger, and anxiety out of the therapeutic setting. This is crucial for basic medical care of self-inflicted wounds but holds for therapists as well. A person who is struggling with self-injury has enough baggage without taking on the prejudices and biases of their care providers.

8. The right to have the role SI has played as a coping mechanism validated.
No one should be shamed, admonished, or chastised for having self-injured. Self-injury works as a coping mechanism, sometimes for people who have no other way to cope. They may use SI as a last-ditch effort to avoid suicide. The self-injurer should be taught to honor the positive things that self-injury has done for him/her as well as to recognize that the negatives of SI far outweigh those positives and that it is possible to learn methods of coping that aren't as destructive and life-interfering.

9. The right not to be automatically considered a dangerous person simply because of self-inflicted injury.
No one should be put in restraints or locked in a treatment room in an emergency room solely because his or her injuries are self-inflicted. No one should ever be involuntarily committed simply because of SI; physicians should make the decision to commit based on the presence of psychosis, suicidality, or homicidality.

10. The right to have self-injury regarded as an attempt to communicate, not manipulate.
Most people who hurt themselves are trying to express things they can say in no other way. Although sometimes these attempts to communicate seem manipulative, treating them as manipulation only makes the situation worse. Providers should respect the communicative function of SI and assume it is not manipulative behavior until there is clear evidence to the contrary.